What I Don't Say
by Felicie Senta
Summary: Raw, a monkey, falls in love with Tyler. Everything he thinks and does revolves around his God. Will Tyler return the favor? Rated T for language and sexual content. READ AND REVIEW!
1. They Call Me Raw

They call me Raw. It is not my name. It is my honor. Tyler, God, gave it to me.

When I was a child, my name was Johnny. I was a person. Now I'm a monkey.

"Raw, come on, over here." Tyler says my name so sweetly, so lowly. His teeth gleam like revealed daggers in streetlight. Tyler is danger. Tyler is hot.

_ Sir._ I reply, calming myself with a few harsh words. _What do you need?_

Tyler narrows his dark eyes, scrutinizing me and laughs, "Pretty little boy."

I smile too. Because when Tyler smiles, I smile. _I'm not little._ I say.

"I bet you aren't." His eyes glow. "Run along."

A mirror snags my attention and I study my reflection. I have dirty blonde hair, shaggily cut, veering off to one side. My green eyes are alight and my cheek are flushed bright pink. Tyler made my skin burn and itch and tingle and sting.

x...x...x

I look at Sand, my fellow monkey. One of us could die in this stunt but who cared? I would make Tyler proud. His name warmed my body, left a sweet taste in my mouth. I tried out a new phrase; I love you, Tyler. Heat bloomed in my cheeks and throughout my body at the embarrassment at saying those words. Tyler couldn't possibly love me back.

I was a monkey.

He could have anything, anyone, anytime. He couldn't want me.

Sand pushes the giant rock into the window and glass flies everywhere. I watch it, fly next to me, rub against my face, creating deep gashes. I laugh and hope for death.

_ Release me._ I beg.

"Fuck, Raw, get up and run! The police are right there!" Sand's golden eyes were wider than my fists as he glares as me. I stand, blood rolling down my face and arms into pools at my feet. For you, Tyler. I bleed for you.

We ran like hell, like devils were chasing us. We scream with ferocity of a million Spartan warriors. We laugh with the humor of hyenas. We are free like we should be.

x...x...x

"Nice cuts." Tyler smirks at me and gently wipes some blood of my face.

My face relaxes under his hand. _Glass, sir_.

"Gotta sew them up then." Tyler pokes a needle through the biggest one on my cheek, "No ugly gashes on my best-looking boy. Right?"

_ Of course, sir._ I nod vigorously, receiving a sharp prod from the needle.

"Careful, dipshit." Tyler finishes with that cut and calls another monkey over, "Sew the rest up."

_ Thank you._ I try to smile at him but he isn't looking. He doesn't care.

There is no pain on the body or face that equals the pain of a wounded heart.

x...x...x

__

dear johnny,

please come home. I love you. please.

love,

danny

Danny. My little five-year-old brother. How did he find me? I am not Johnny anymore. Johnny was a handsome, lady's man with a charming manner. Raw is a scarred man in love with a man who hates all. I am Raw now and forever. My past is shattered, forgotten, and gone. Even Danny must realize that.

_ Goodbye, brother._ I whisper. The paper disappears into the fire. _I loved you._

The paper turns black.

x...x...x

I never understood love as a child. Was it happy or sad? Angry or pleasurable? As a man, I know. Love is the fire in your stomach, causing pain and joy, a crying tickling. My throat burns as the fire inches through my neck. I swallow down my love; cool it with sad words. Tyler will never love me.

The monkeys watch television in the beaten living room. Plaster cracks on the walls, beer cans collect on the floor, and stains cover large portions of the shaggy gray rug. I lean against the doorframe. Always the same news.

"Murders, burglaries, stock market drops! Nothing of our little stunts." I hadn't noticed Tyler's beautiful face inches from the screen, his teeth snarling, "Guess we'll have to pull some more."

He sees me and smiles, "Raw, you are in charge."

I place a knuckle my brow. _Yes, sir._ I say.

He knows what I don't say.

_ I love you._


	2. Fine

The brilliant, handsome, amazing man in front of me tilts his head, grinning as he offers me a beer.

"We could probably sell you out as a sex toy." Tyler chuckles, grabbing my chin teasingly, "But it would be a shame if you were too fall that far. I remember when you came; you didn't blink or flinch. You were smiling. But your green eyes, oh-so-emerald green, were filled with pride. You haven't changed much. Breaking you would be too upsetting."

Break me, Tyler, oh, please, I beg you. But I don't say that. I just stare.

Oh, God, oh, God, you must love me; his face comes closer to mine, his lips inches from my own pouted ones. He smiles softly. I can smell the alcohol on his breath, his intoxicating scent of lye and perspiration . Who knew soap and sweat could be so damn sexy?

He whispers, "I know what you want. But I want you to beg. Beg on your hands and knees and I'll consider you."

So mesmerizing is his voice, is his scent, is his face, I stand up and try to kneel. He kicks me, quickly, hard. The shock stabs at my heart and my breath is robbed from me. Not very gently, he pulls me up and shoves me into the chair.

"You weren't prepared." Tyler pokes my stomach, sending shivers through my spine. "Getting a little lazy now, Raw?"

I laugh cautiously. _Not the exercise I want._ The beer made me bold in my words.

He arches an eyebrow, "Learn to keep your impulses under control, little boy."

The noun tugs at me, 'little boy'. I was no little boy. I want to scream and shake his shoulder. _Listen to me._

"Was that a command?"

My voice returns to humble, I hang my head. _No, sir, never, sir._ _No one commands you._

He is satisfied. He has found my weakness. He has found his perfect foothold in me. "That is all. Off you go."

I am weak and wounded. My heart is sore. My eyes drift shut and I detach my heart from my mind.

_It won't go away_. I cry.

I didn't notice he was standing behind me. "I know."

x...x...x

As days drag slothfully by since the meeting with Tyler, my body droops, worn away.

Sand takes this transformation as he is now in charge. "Raw, start over there, digging that trench."

I look at him, my eyes blazing.

"C'mon, dumbshit, do it."

My fist connects with his rubbery nose and Sand leaps back in surprise. _Don't mess with me, Sand. I give the orders still._

I smile and regain some confidence. I govern my own mind and body. But my heart is its own. It can't stop. Won't stop.

I've become so use to the aching, I don't know if I would be able to live without it.

x...x...x

Why must he notice it? Why must he notice me again?

He crooks his finger at me. I follow him into a bedroom.

_Yes?_ My insolence is punishable, but to survive, I must be cold.

"Good. You're back to normal, I see. I can see the hate in your eyes once more. You were a begging puppy and a clumsy servant before our last meeting but you're better now."

I scrunch one eye up, sigh, and shrug. I do not care. _Okay._

Tyler shoves me against the wall and kisses me, his fingers rubbing roughly against my cheek, his other hand scrambling aggressively against my pant leg.

My dear God, have I told you I love you today?

Breathing deeply, Tyler pulls away and I regain my pure ice composure.

"You are my monkey." He smiles. "I love it."

For Tyler, that was as close as he was going to get to 'I love you.'

_I love —_ Tyler places a finger to my lips.

"You don't. You love my ideas. I just carry them. We want each other, lust for each other. I do not love you. Understand?"

Tears well behind my eyes; I won't let Tyler see.

_No, sir, I don't._

"Then you are weak." He spat at me.

_I do not care._ A week ago, I would have. A minute ago, I would have. But he did not love me and nothing mattered_. I am not weak; I am impossible. _

I turn and walk away but not before, I see Tyler's shocked and slightly smiling expression.

My impertinence will not go unpunished, but it is worth Tyler's amazement.

x...x...x

I became a legend. Tyler, though he now respected his 'little boy', did not tolerate any other legend but himself.

"Apologize in front of everyone." he hissed at me, "Make yourself humble."

I laugh. _Let's make it a deal. If I do it, I get something in return. _

"No. You either apologize or you are gone, whether it be kicked out or 'accidently' killed in a stunt. If you are kicked out, we will hunt you down. Secrets are better kept by dead and buried monkeys."

I glower. _Fine._

"I still come out on top." He is gone.

We are now equals, playing opposite. But he had ambitions. He had ideas. I had none. I had backbone. But he had one power I could not take away; he knew I loved him. I hated him, because I admired him so.

_Fine._ I whisper it and this time, I am truly humble.

x...x...x


End file.
